2019 Recap

I recently completed my last goal for the year with ample time to spare. For the first time, I consciously achieved everything I originally had laid out to complete during the year and followed through with my self-made promises. I’m coming off a high so I’m rolling with the momentum by laying out the ground work for the next year with a different approach. 

This is a transcript of a conversation with myself to gather information on how I should approach forming my goals for 2020. 

Interview By: RK - Interviewer, RK - Word Vomiter

RK - Interviewer: “Where do we even start? Like what am I supposed to ask?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Uh ask me questions about 2019”

RK - Interviewer: “Ok, what were the high points of the year and what were the low points?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “I’ll start with the high points. I changed jobs back in February and started working at a family office financial services company back in Financial District. This was a huge win for me because my position at DocuSign was contracted. Although I received an offer from DocuSign to convert to a full-time position, I felt that this new company and the team I joined would be the best option for my career. Yeah my current position (can’t say the company name due to privacy rules) is a lot more difficult and energy draining than the previous roles but I do feel like I’m learning something new every week at a high volume.

I also moved out of downtown and signed a lease with a friend from UCLA in Inner Richmond. My commute is much longer to work and it isn’t as easy to travel around the city to see friends, yet I love this new apartment. I have my own room with a standard door again. Plus my room gets a lot of sunlight and it’s been a nice change of pace vs. living in downtown. Don’t get me wrong, living in Downtown SF was a significant year and a half. This apartment is more of the pace that I am used to.

RK - Interviewer: “Got a new job, new place, a lot of new beginnings in the year?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Yes and no. I agree were quite a few firsts that stick out in my mind, like going to a few music festivals for the first time such as Bumbershoot and CRSSD. Those were the most recent music filled weekends that I thoroughly enjoyed during the summer. I expect that I will be back at CRSSD in the future.

The many beginnings simultaneously came with a few endings as well. My first relationship ended around the beginning of the year. That event took a massive toll on my well-being and mental health. The breakup was not handled well on my part and I mentally beat myself up over it. The healing process is continuous. A few months later, my aunt passed after battling cancer for a little less than a year. I was fortunate enough to see her a few weeks before her passing but the future family events will not be the same without Aunty Carol. So dealing with a breakup and a loss of loved one did get me down. Evidently, I’m still though. There are still bad days, really bad days, and days where getting out of bed is a war. Yet the volume of these days are going down, so i think.

RK - Interviewer: “These must have been the low points of the year. What have you done to help yourself during these rough times?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “I’ve turned to friends, found professional help (sort of), and put myself first mentally. I’ve adjusted my focus towards my overall health, mentally and physically. There have been multiple hiccups along the way but I think it’s all a process. I’ve made progress with my mental health, especially being self sufficient. And during the times where I can’t support myself, my friend’s have chimed in. You’re only as strong as your support system.

Journaling has been the strongest mechanism to support my mental well-being all year. I began with bullet journaling which evolved into biweekly entries. Taking 10 minutes out of my day puke out my inner anxieties on paper has helped me face my insecurities. Once I see my issues written out on paper, there’s a mental handshake that takes place acknowledging the existence of my concerns. I’ve used the solution oriented mentality I’ve gained from work to focus on how to overcome these worries. And all of the self-help books that I’ve been reading have provided a few pointers here and there. ”

RK - Interviewer: “You’ve pointed yourself in the right path and right now sounds like a transitioning period, almost perfect for 2020. Are there any plans for the New Year?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Jeez slow your roll there. Can we focus on 2019? The title of post isn’t 2020. Moving a bit fast there don’t you think?”

RK - Interviewer: “Who’s conducting the interview here dipwad?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Dude, you’re 25 and you still throw out the word ‘dipwad’…”

RK - Interview: “….Ok. Let’s continue. What else do you want to highlight about 2019?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Hmmmmm….

My camera and I have been distant from each other all year. I picked up a new camera towards the end of last year but I haven’t really made the most out of it. I’ve taken photos here and there but nothing significant has come out of it. This is my least touched camera. The number of raw photos in my hard drive hasn’t changed since the end of 2018. I haven’t even given the camera name yet so I can’t even say I feel connected to it.

RK - Interviewer: “That hasn’t really happened since you started photography years back. Was this a non creative year for yourself?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Definitely. My career was the main focus this year focus. The time I used to have for creative projects was minimal. However, despite feeling disconnected from photography I printed up more of my own photos. Holding a few of my favorite photos is a unique feeling I can’t really describe with words. I printed a few photos back in college for my apartment but those were left at home with my parents. Right now my room has 5 photos up and a framed collage. There are a few more prints in the pipeline to put up too. The walls of my room have turned into my own art gallery essentially.

Another thing I started this year that I am very proud about is Coffee Club. I started gathering friends that don’t know one another over for Saturday Morning coffee. It’s a layperson’s cupping session paired with a talks surrounding a specific topic. The engagement among everyone has been my favorite aspect. Each person has brought a fresh perspective towards each topic and by the end of each meeting, everyone had met a new friend. My favorite topic so far has been Family History. I don’t plan to stop any time soon, it’s a matter of finding the right time with each participant’s availability.

RK - Interviewer: “Coffee is starting to play a significant interest in your side projects. I remember getting the Chemex about a year ago which started the coffee journey. Anything else you would like to touch on regarding coffee before moving on?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “I don’t have much. I might be dependent on coffee right now. Sitting down with someone over a cup at a coffee shop is still my favorite thing to do. I have a hard time saying no to it.

RK - Interviewer: “What’s been your favorite coffee of 2019?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Easily the Bourbon barrel aged beans from Modern Times Brewing. Not a coffee I would drink in the AM but it’s the most flavorful coffee I’ve had all year. Highly recommend to anyone. Just make sure you clean your grinder after, there’s a lingering scent.”

RK - Interviewer: “Alright next topic. The end of the decade is approaching and a new one is about to begin. What have been some highlights of the 2010s for yourself?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Most of my significant milestones are squished into the past 10 years. Graduating high school, graduating college, moving to a new city (twice), finding my first job, falling in love for the first time, and, of course, being heart broken for the first time. All of these things did happen towards the latter half of the decade but that didn’t make the first 5 years any less significant. The first half was education centric while the second one was career focused. I see that as the natural evolution of my life.

In 2010 I was a sophomore in high school who was focusing on rehabbing for basketball season. At the start of the year I had was still recovering from my first reconstructive hip surgery. Relearning how to walk/run was my biggest hurdle at the time while school sat in the back seat. All of that is distant from my world today. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to reminisce about that time. On the flip side, I never imagined my life 10 years into the future because 2020 was the unreachable future at the time. Funny how the tables turn.

RK - Interviewer: “Did you pan out the way you think you wanted to 10 years ago?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “I think I exceeded all expectations of myself after graduating from UCLA. I used to hear about the high standards of UCLA throughout high school from my brother’s friends. I became discouraged at an early age irrationally believing that Sac State was my destiny. My faith in my own academics was low despite getting good grades. I didn’t feel confident in my education, excluding math. Math is my bitch.

I also think I moved out of LA earlier than I had originally planned. Living in LA was a constant topic of discussion amongst my friends and I. I remember glorifying the city for it’s fame and warm weather. LA will remain as my ‘college’ city in my head, I still make frequent trips to visit family and friends. They all happen to be on the west side so it’s easy to see multiple people each trip.

I do remembering wanting to live in San Francisco after exploring Haight/Ashbury when I was in middle school. We were visiting my mom’s friend from Hawaii and I took a very memorable photo for MySpace thinking it would be so cool to move to the city when I was an adult. That was more of wish list I made in my head. I really didn’t think I’d move to SF by the end of 2020 yet here I am. Younger Ryan would be proud of that.

10 years ago was the beginning of high school. I only had thoughts involving basketball and girls at the time. Imagining myself at the age of 25 was too far off to think about it. The future was scary to think about. Forecasting uncertainty wasn’t on my to do list, at least not until college. I figured I would have my life planned out by then.

RK - Interviewer: “Almost like a “let’s worry about it when the time comes” mentality.

RK - Word Vomiter: “Exactly. I don’t have any regrets about it. Not yet at least. I’m satisfied with my current state. Is it perfect? Not really, but I’m optimistic about the next 10 years, more than I was 10 years ago. I think that’s the biggest difference since then. I’m becoming increasingly confident in myself to navigate through life without immensely fucking up. When I face adversity, I look at it in a different light. Idk, it’s a bit hard to explain. I still have moments where the world feels like a scary place. Well that’s everyday but there are moments where I don’t feel any blockers in my path. Living with the duality of anxiety and confidence confuses me.

RK - Interviewer: “What can we expect from you in the next year? Can I ask that question now?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Sure. Here are my goals for the next year:

• Read 12 books in 12 months

• Become a better writer/storyteller

• Improve Mental Health

• Become more financially focused

• 1 art project

I won’t go over all of them but the biggest resolution I am focused on is the second, becoming a better writer/storyteller.

RK - Interviewer: “Ironically writing is your worst subject in school and your grammar is sub par at best. There is a huge room for improvement but what inspired you to become interested in writing?”

RK - Word Vomiter: “At work I tend to be hyperaware of my grammatical errors when I have to draft emails. I waste a significant chunk of time writing, deleting, rewriting, and deleting, which should really take a quick minute. My weakness is beginning to become a recurring nuisance. Plus, I plan to push for more content for this website that i’ve kept over time. Maintaining a website where I can silently post whatever I want is my millennial dream of heaven. But I’m also self aware but unaware of my grammatical errors and self conscious about my basic writing structures. One day, my thoughts will seamlessly appear fluently on paper or a screen.”

RK - Interview: “That’s because you don’t check what you write closely enough.”

RK - Word Vomiter: “Can’t deny that. Can i end this interview now?”

RK - Interviewer: “I guess that’s it then!”

RK - Word Vomiter: “The last thing I want to say about the year: After much thought about all of the events over the course of the year, I’ve come to the conclusion that 2019 leaves much to be desired. Despite meeting my goals for the year and ending it off on a foot in the right direction, I spent more than half of the year in a mentally disrupted state. My decision making has devolved thanks to my own lack of forward thinking and my anxiety was not contained, only maintained. There were a lot of fun moments, way too much drinking, and I’ve come out with an unsatisfied perception of the year. I’m looking forward to a reset and the new year’s is giving me the push to give myself a break. Optimism is still hanging around in my thoughts somewhere.”